A Manifesto For Recent College Grads

I recently was reading a blog post from a 27-year-old woman who felt the need to write a manifesto defending her "post-college single lifestyle." What I found funny, is that she only defended her rational behavior once. The rest of it seemed like she was seeking to be excused for her assanine childish behavior that she still engages in to her married friends who she thinks are aloof to her ways.


I was having brunch with a friend this past weekend when this very subject came up. We both work at an ad agency, so if anything we are surrounded by a bunch of partying man-children and not-so-retired sorority girls who are always going to parties and eating dinners that probably cost their weekly grocery budget. My friend and I, on the other hand, are what we consider run of the mill people. She's in a relationship, I'm looking for love, and we like to go out and have fun with friends. For some reason though, I think because we're not in to having shitty Bassnectar remixes blasted in our ears, we get treated like we are mutants from another planet.


Below, I have written a manifesto for all of us PCS's that are seeking to grow up while dealing with our human side

An Open Letter to All Post College Singles that Judge my Post College Single Life:

I am 24, and on occasion, I drink until I throw up. Usually, I am swift to apologize to all those involved the next morning, because, you know, it's fucking embarrassing. It's not something I'm proud of, and I'm working on it, hopefully I will be able to hold my liquor 100% of the time by the time I'm 40.

If you say "no big deal" to this, I ask that you not excuse my actions to pardon yourself from your own ass-hat behavior. Drinking until you throw up is your body telling you that you are a fucking idiot for ingesting copious amounts of poison, and sadly you, like me, have actually become numb to your liver's clear messages about your excessive lifestyle. Perhaps instead of comforting my hungover ass, you should look in to improving this as well so that some day, you can look at me with a look of disapproval.

To all of my friends who are/getting married, I could not be happier for you. Replacing that photo of that "beer-goggles-hot" guy you banged on my birthday with you and your fiance's new puppy was the biggest improvement my newsfeed has seen since I blocked all of those high-school classmate wastoids. I if anything, am envious of your stable, mature relationship.

I'm not talking to those assholes who are getting married after 6 months of dating, you're cutesy status updates about your Mickey-Minnie romance brings me to the point of almost choking to death on my own vomit.  I hope your 2 year marriage ends in the most bitter, horrible way possible.

As for my single friends who feel the need to tag yourselves everytime you leave your apartment with your "loves" "besties" "sistas" etc., etc., we get it, you have friends and you guys are living the Sex & the City fantasy life. But, I think at the end of the day we both want the same thing. A person to lay next to at night and make us feel secure and loved, and everytime one of your bffs finds that special someone, and that last "f" seems in limbo, you get bitter and retaliate against their ability to find happiness in the smallest things, like their toddler with spaghetti all over their face.

I deal with our mutual wants in my own way. I go out with people I consider close friends, people who I wouldn't need to call "bro" because they know I have their back and they have mine. We usually don't go to a loud bar where you have to fight someone for a stool. We actually like to talk when we see eachother, which is usually on a weekly basis because, hey, we're all busy and need sleep. We value our time together, and some asshole/skank crashing our party looking for a cheap lay with one of us is unwelcome.

I keep an open mind whenever I play volleyball or go to a concert. Maybe there I'll get to know my someone by doing, not taking an inventory list of our top-level similarities. Like all the best chemical reactions, I seek to organically bond, not have my reactions be explosive with the help of alcohol or awkward blind dates.

I think having a fun fling with someone you know is ok. You're testing the waters, who knows, maybe it's worth the risk to lose them to give loving them a shot. If you fool yourself in to thinking that it won't get complicated though, trust me, you're wrong. Friendly flings aside, I don't think that my love is worth some stranger with free drinks and a nice smile.

I've come to find that if anything, happiness is linked to simplifying life, not injecting a million unnecessary elements like high bar tabs, hangovers, and a trip to the free clinic. That I learned in college. I found myself miserable after a 3 week party binge, feeling used, tired, and unfulfilled. The happiest times in my life were, like most people, as a child.

What were the things that made me happy? My dog stealing food and then trying to look discrete. A night after a fruitfull trip to Blockbuster (back when that was a thing) watching the Star Wars trilogy yet again. Family trips to the lake where I could soak up the sun, canoe, and swim. Catching fireflies on a warm summer night.

I will say that while alcohol, partying, and the occasional fling can be fun on the surface, the most happy memories happened not when I was chemically altered or giving myself away. They are the times when I was with the people I LOVED. Love is the key, it makes us feel safe, warm, and happy.

So I say this to you, fun, funky party peoople. When was the last time you said you could truly love somebody that wasn't a blood relative? You don't live with your parents anymore, so where do you get it besides a phone call once a week or so? Maybe what you want is a cool summer night on a swing, with the family you choose, not a dark club with a person you can barely see through the haze.

Call me a prude, call me lame, I honestly don't care. I like to have fun and let loose once in a blue moon, hell, I threw up at my birthday last month. That being said, I'm searching for more, and while yes I do forgive myself for my impulsive youthfulness, I do still strive for better, and can't wait to spam your newsfeeds with my kids' lame-ass karate meets.

Also, keep the dog photos coming, they're adorable.